Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
not for long
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.