Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
the noise i just made
Wait a second…
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.