[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
You Might Also Like
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Someone just threatened to call me later
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.