Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
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a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
cats when you pet them too long:
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.