When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
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BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second