Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
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What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it