I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
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I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
My daily affirmation
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
gentlemen, hear me out
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair