Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
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No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.