To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
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OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
peeping toms
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint