my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
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Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.