If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
You Might Also Like
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
These 3D printers are insane!
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
The French cow says MEUX…
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.