Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’