I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*