Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
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why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.