Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
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Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat