I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
You Might Also Like
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?