If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
You Might Also Like
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”