kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
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my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.