I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
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WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
This is hilarious….
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot