I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
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Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*