Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
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Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
🤣🤣
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere