me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
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Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
“just sayin” who asked you though?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword