I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
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Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.