PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
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Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[shakes fist at other fist]
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Friday
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out