I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
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Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*