Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
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My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist