Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
The real reason evolution started..😂
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.