Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
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I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
incredible
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
How software testing works
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours