I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Thursday
When ur friends with white people
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
what could possibly go wrong?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
This is painfully accurate 😅
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.