I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
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me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.