gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
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He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.