Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
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creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
How do you milk an almond?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.