Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
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losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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