Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
thank god
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.