EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
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Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
estão todos miauvindo?
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”