I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens