Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
c’mon!
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower