Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
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did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
#winning
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.