Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
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waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don鈥檛 have any money
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
girl on bumble: hey 馃檪 ur cute but I noticed you didn鈥檛 include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don鈥檛 see why this is important
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Me: I just don鈥檛 see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber鈥檚 salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 馃ぉ
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
What鈥檚 it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???