[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
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7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
why does this building look like a guilty dog
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?