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mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?