Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
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My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.