I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
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Warm pools make me nervous.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes