i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
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You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying