Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.