me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
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I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead