I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
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└📁 Traps
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everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.