*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
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*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.