“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
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11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]