Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
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My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
turning my gender off to conserve energy
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?